SCENES FROM HOME, PART III

June 14, 2003

PI-JUNE-03-206

si az, pinaglalaruan yung nunal ko sa mukha. hehehe… siguro nakikita niya ang magiging hitsura niya pag siya’y tumanda: yung matang singkit at sutil na ngiti. give me five, tito jay! aray!

yung pagka-sutil, singkit na mata at malalim na boses, minana naming lahat sa daddy ko. naalala ko na naman siya. birthday niya nung june 4 at kung buhay pa siya ngayon ay 81 na siya. marami akong kwento sa daddy ko. maraming mga ala-ala na minsan nagpapasaya sa akin, minsan nama’y magpapa-senti.

minsan, when i clear my throat, i hear my dad’s voice coming out of my mouth. sometimes, when i call home and my brother answers, for a split second, i’d be in suspended animation and would almost blurt out: “daddy?”. pero, i’d quickly recover because i know it’s not him. he’s been dead for a long time.

from time to time, i dream of him. vivid dreams of him and me, walking along my garden, sipping a cold SMB, talking about how our lives ended up this way. sa panaginip ko, alam ko patay na siya, pero that wouldn’t stop me from having casual coversations with him. pinapanood nyo ba yung “six feet under” (specifically, in episode 6 of the first season, where nate talks to his dead dad about their relationship)? that’s exactly what happens when i dream of my dad.

minsan sa panaginip ko tatanungin nya sakin kung anong nangyari… kamusta na ako, how i’ve been doing. that sort of shit. you see when he died, i was still a struggling guy, just out of school and finding my place in this world. di na niya nakita how i turned out. he never met the man i am now. proud ka ba sakin, daddy? i’m sure you are.

happy father’s day, dad. i’d do anything just to spend a day with you. fuck, i’ll walk 500 miles, eat bubog and walk a tight rope so we can talk again. i know that it’s not possible, so i’ll just see you in my dreams.

i miss you, dad. take care…

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